Mt. Vernon Register-News

Community News Network

February 27, 2014

The only online dating ad you'll ever need

— Everyone, I've fixed your online dating woes!

Wired magazine assembled a number of infographics this month of what makes for the most attractive online dating profile. It even included a list of the most appealing words men and women used in their profiles. The only trouble is how to work the key words into sentences. The rest of it just comes together by magic.

Men who used "whom" got 31 percent more opposite-sex replies, regardless of how they actually used it. Women who called themselves "girls" got more replies than those who didn't. It's all a science, really.

Based on what Wired said, I have concocted the most appealing online dating profiles of all time, using as many buzzwords as possible in as few words as I can. Context, shmontext - these are based on data! Feel free to use these in your "About Me" to attract a mate! True love, doubtless, is right around the corner, like prosperity in the Hoover era.

Ladies

I spend all my time away from London and New York City, surfing the Internet to post hateful comments on athlete forums, and intending to do yoga.

 I am often wasted at the office and have to be driven away by foodies for acting like Archer. My philosophy? Let models work out; my passion is laziness. Fitness? I call that "lucky physics."Creativity? "Charmed meditations."Europe is over the ocean, and maybe there's sushi there? My homeland is New York, and I don't feel anything for Radiohead. Sometimes I fashion pulp fiction meditations, girls!

Men

I love surfing the surf - it's like skiing the ocean. Let's do yoga, whom.

I have a large collection of teeth. After mating, I gather passports (only those with blue eyes) to use in my confidence work. Who has time for retirement?

I like to take photography of my breakfast. I am awful at tennis. Things I hate with a passion? Weddings, teachers and puppies.

I have never been to London. I hate flying. Also kissing.

The best part of mornings is chocolate.

Or:

I don't have a lot of confidence, but I have a large collection of teeth and passports. One belonged to an athlete with blue eyes, whom I found in the ocean, or oceans, when I was hiking on the beach, covered in chocolate, taking stealth photography of strangers' weddings and enjoying the live music. (Ah, mornings!) In retirement, I will obtain many tattoos.

When we are kissing, my meditation will be about breakfast.

When I was a kid, I put puppies in trees. I said I wanted to see puppies flying. My teachers shuddered and said I would never find a nonfiction companion for passion and mating. My attractiveness is comparable to that of a workaholic flying to London. There is no skiing or surfing there. Or surf, for that matter.

YOGA YOGA YOGA YOGA.

You're welcome.

 

1
Text Only
Community News Network
  • 072214 Diamond Llama 1.jpg Llama on the loose corralled in Missouri town

    A llama on the lam cruised Main Street Tuesday before it mistook a resident’s fenced backyard for a place to grab a meal and freshen up.

    July 22, 2014 2 Photos

  • Screen Shot 2014-07-22 at 2.00.42 PM.png VIDEO: Train collides with semi truck carrying lighter fluid

    A truck driver from Washington is fortunate to be alive after driving his semi onto a set of tracks near Somerset, Ky., and being struck by a locomotive, which ignited his load of charcoal lighter fluid.

    July 22, 2014 1 Photo

  • mama.jpg What we get wrong about millennials living at home

    If the media is to be believed, America is facing a major crisis. "Kids," some age 25, 26, or even 30 years old, are living out of their childhood bedrooms and basements at alarmingly high numbers. The hand-wringing overlooks one problem: It's all overblown.

    July 22, 2014 1 Photo

  • Malaysians wonder 'Why us?' after second loss of airline jet

    It was all too familiar. Grieving families rushing to airport. The flashing television graphics of a plane's last radar appearance. The uncomfortable officials before a heavy thicket of microphones.
    For many Malaysians, the disappearance of Flight 370 in March has been a long trauma from which the nation has not yet recovered.

    July 18, 2014

  • The terrible history of passenger planes getting shot out of the sky

    What is more clear is that, if initial reports are true, this would be the deadliest incident of a civilian passenger plane being shot down in modern memory. In some instances, the causes of the disaster are still shrouded in mystery. Here are some of the worst events.

    July 17, 2014

  • 130408_NT_BEA_good kids We're raising a generation of timid kids

    A week ago, a woman was charged with leaving her child in the car while she went into a store. Her 11-year-old child. This week, a woman was arrested for allowing her 9-year-old daughter to go to the park alone. Which raises just one question: America, what the heck is wrong with you?

    July 17, 2014 1 Photo

  • Screen Shot 2014-07-16 at 2.12.33 PM.png Gunshots narrowly miss TV reporter

    A reporter for a West Virginia television station narrowly escaped injury or worse Monday while covering a fatal weekend shooting in Beckley.

    July 16, 2014 1 Photo

  • 25 hidden secrets in "Weird Al's" "Word Crimes" video

    Yankovic's 14th album was released this week, and it warms my heart containers that he's kept up his geeky brand of humor for so long. While he has written so many incredible songs, none have spoken to my love of proper grammar.
    Until "Word Crimes."

    July 16, 2014

  • State lawmakers tweak gun regulations

    Obtaining a concealed carry weapons license within the Commonwealth of Kentucky is not a simple task.

    July 16, 2014

  • When your doctor commits suicide, things get complicated

    When they call for appointments, patients are told they can't see their doctor. Ever. The standard line: "We are sorry, but your doctor died suddenly."

    July 15, 2014

Twitter Updates
Facebook
Stocks