Mt. Vernon Register-News

Community News Network

November 28, 2013

Apple pie has no place at Thanksgiving

(Continued)

Thanksgiving is a time for special, seasonal, Thanksgiving-specific foods. When else, except maybe at Christmas, do you roast a turkey, bake stuffing and make cranberry sauce? Never. And it's the rarity of Thanksgiving dishes, the fact that we make them but once a year, that makes them taste so wonderful.

Apple pie is not a special, seasonal, Thanksgiving-specific food. Apples are available all year round, and you can buy a Sara Lee apple pie at 3 a.m. in the middle of April if you want. Why dilute your harvest feast of unique dishes with something commonplace?

But apples are at their best in fall! you counter. Nice try. Apple season is in September and October, not the end of November.

Apple pie is usually double-crusted: There's one crust underneath the filling and another crust domed on top. The top crust is superfluous under normal circumstances, but it's complete madness at Thanksgiving. People eat a lot at Thanksgiving, and they tend to be full of turkey and stuffing by the time dessert rolls around. They do not have room in their bodies for extraneous crust. Pie crust is like fatty, starchy concrete. It lodges itself in your intestinal tract and stays there sludgily for days and days. Thanksgiving pies should deliver a flavorful filling to you as efficiently as possible - that is, with just enough crust to keep the thing from falling apart.

Everyone knows that apple pie is nothing without vanilla ice cream on top of it. But who serves ice cream at Thanksgiving? Lunatics, that's who. Thanksgiving desserts must always be garnished with whipped cream, and whipped cream on top of apple pie is simply laughable.

What pies do taste good with whipped cream on top of them? Pecan pie and pumpkin pie. Conveniently, these pies are also Thanksgiving-specific, single-crusted, and made from New World ingredients. They are the only pies that should ever appear as part of a Thanksgiving spread.

So please, if you outsource dessert duties this year, make it very clear that you will not accept any pies that are do not contain either pumpkin or pecan. Thankfully, though, if someone does show up with an apple pie, you'll have a deep hole in the backyard ready for it.

 

Text Only
Community News Network
  • Bill Clinton coming to eastern Kentucky to stump for Grimes

    By RONNIE ELLIS
    CNHI News Service

    GLASGOW — Democrat Alison Lundergan Grimes is again calling in the “Big Dog” in her quest to unseat five-term Republican U.S. Sen. Mitch McConnell.

    July 27, 2014

  • How spy agencies keep their 'toys' from law enforcement

    A little over a decade ago, federal prosecutors used keystroke logging software to steal the encryption password of an alleged New Jersey mobster, Nicodemo Scarfo Jr., so they could get evidence from his computer to be used at his trial.

    July 25, 2014

  • Russia's war on McDonald's takes aim at the Filet-o-Fish

    Russia said earlier this week that it had no intention of answering Western sanctions by making it harder for Western companies to conduct business in Russia.
    But all bets are off, apparently, when you threaten the Russian waistline.

    July 25, 2014

  • Facebook continues moneymaking trend

    Facebook seems to have figured out - for now at least - the holy grail for all media right now: how to make money selling mobile ads.

    July 24, 2014

  • 072214 Diamond Llama 1.jpg Llama on the loose corralled in Missouri town

    A llama on the lam cruised Main Street Tuesday before it mistook a resident’s fenced backyard for a place to grab a meal and freshen up.

    July 22, 2014 2 Photos

  • Screen Shot 2014-07-22 at 2.00.42 PM.png VIDEO: Train collides with semi truck carrying lighter fluid

    A truck driver from Washington is fortunate to be alive after driving his semi onto a set of tracks near Somerset, Ky., and being struck by a locomotive, which ignited his load of charcoal lighter fluid.

    July 22, 2014 1 Photo

  • mama.jpg What we get wrong about millennials living at home

    If the media is to be believed, America is facing a major crisis. "Kids," some age 25, 26, or even 30 years old, are living out of their childhood bedrooms and basements at alarmingly high numbers. The hand-wringing overlooks one problem: It's all overblown.

    July 22, 2014 1 Photo

  • Malaysians wonder 'Why us?' after second loss of airline jet

    It was all too familiar. Grieving families rushing to airport. The flashing television graphics of a plane's last radar appearance. The uncomfortable officials before a heavy thicket of microphones.
    For many Malaysians, the disappearance of Flight 370 in March has been a long trauma from which the nation has not yet recovered.

    July 18, 2014

  • The terrible history of passenger planes getting shot out of the sky

    What is more clear is that, if initial reports are true, this would be the deadliest incident of a civilian passenger plane being shot down in modern memory. In some instances, the causes of the disaster are still shrouded in mystery. Here are some of the worst events.

    July 17, 2014

  • 130408_NT_BEA_good kids We're raising a generation of timid kids

    A week ago, a woman was charged with leaving her child in the car while she went into a store. Her 11-year-old child. This week, a woman was arrested for allowing her 9-year-old daughter to go to the park alone. Which raises just one question: America, what the heck is wrong with you?

    July 17, 2014 1 Photo

Twitter Updates
Facebook
Stocks