Mt. Vernon Register-News

Features

February 27, 2014

The only online dating ad you'll ever need

— Everyone, I've fixed your online dating woes!

Wired magazine assembled a number of infographics this month of what makes for the most attractive online dating profile. It even included a list of the most appealing words men and women used in their profiles. The only trouble is how to work the key words into sentences. The rest of it just comes together by magic.

Men who used "whom" got 31 percent more opposite-sex replies, regardless of how they actually used it. Women who called themselves "girls" got more replies than those who didn't. It's all a science, really.

Based on what Wired said, I have concocted the most appealing online dating profiles of all time, using as many buzzwords as possible in as few words as I can. Context, shmontext - these are based on data! Feel free to use these in your "About Me" to attract a mate! True love, doubtless, is right around the corner, like prosperity in the Hoover era.

Ladies

I spend all my time away from London and New York City, surfing the Internet to post hateful comments on athlete forums, and intending to do yoga.

 I am often wasted at the office and have to be driven away by foodies for acting like Archer. My philosophy? Let models work out; my passion is laziness. Fitness? I call that "lucky physics."Creativity? "Charmed meditations."Europe is over the ocean, and maybe there's sushi there? My homeland is New York, and I don't feel anything for Radiohead. Sometimes I fashion pulp fiction meditations, girls!

Men

I love surfing the surf - it's like skiing the ocean. Let's do yoga, whom.

I have a large collection of teeth. After mating, I gather passports (only those with blue eyes) to use in my confidence work. Who has time for retirement?

I like to take photography of my breakfast. I am awful at tennis. Things I hate with a passion? Weddings, teachers and puppies.

I have never been to London. I hate flying. Also kissing.

The best part of mornings is chocolate.

Or:

I don't have a lot of confidence, but I have a large collection of teeth and passports. One belonged to an athlete with blue eyes, whom I found in the ocean, or oceans, when I was hiking on the beach, covered in chocolate, taking stealth photography of strangers' weddings and enjoying the live music. (Ah, mornings!) In retirement, I will obtain many tattoos.

When we are kissing, my meditation will be about breakfast.

When I was a kid, I put puppies in trees. I said I wanted to see puppies flying. My teachers shuddered and said I would never find a nonfiction companion for passion and mating. My attractiveness is comparable to that of a workaholic flying to London. There is no skiing or surfing there. Or surf, for that matter.

YOGA YOGA YOGA YOGA.

You're welcome.

 

1
Text Only
Features
  • American sunscreens need an upgrade

    The last time a new sunscreen ingredient came on the U.S. market, the Y2K bug was threatening to destroy our way of life. Intel had just introduced the Pentium III processor, featuring an amazing 500 MHz of computing power.

    April 24, 2014

  • The waffle taco's biggest enemy isn't McDonald's. It's consumer habits.

    Gesturing to Taco Bell, Thompson said McDonald's had "not seen an impact relative to the most recent competitor that entered the [breakfast] space," and that new competition would only make McDonald's pursue breakfast more aggressively.

    April 23, 2014

  • Cats outsmart the researchers

    I knew a lot had been written about dogs, and I assumed there must be at least a handful of studies on cats. But after weeks of scouring the scientific world for someone - anyone - who studied how cats think, all I was left with was this statement, laughed over the phone to me by one of the world's top animal cognition experts, a Hungarian scientist named Ádám Miklósi.

    April 22, 2014

  • Do your genes make you procrastinate?

    Procrastinators, in my experience, like nothing better than explaining away their procrastination: General busyness, fear of failure, and simple laziness are just a handful of the excuses and theories often tossed around. Now researchers from the University of Colorado Boulder have added another option to the list: genetics.

    April 21, 2014

  • Biggest student loan profits come from grad students

    This week, the Congressional Budget Office projected that the federal government would earn roughly $127 billion from student lending during the next 10 years.

    April 18, 2014

  • Consumer spending on health care jumps as Affordable Care Act takes hold

    Nancy Beigel has known since September that she would need hernia surgery. She couldn't afford it on her $11,000 yearly income until she became eligible for Medicaid in January through President Barack Obama's signature health care law.

    April 17, 2014

  • To sleep well, you may need to adjust what you eat and when

    Sleep.  Oh, to sleep.  A good night's sleep is often a struggle for more than half of American adults.  And for occasional insomnia, there are good reasons to avoid using medications, whether over-the-counter or prescription.

    April 16, 2014

  • Allergies are the real midlife crisis

    One of the biggest mysteries is why the disease comes and goes, and then comes and goes again. People tend to experience intense allergies between the ages of 5 and 16, then get a couple of decades off before the symptoms return in the 30s, only to diminish around retirement age.

    April 15, 2014

  • Screen shot 2014-04-11 at 4.49.09 PM.png Train, entertain your pets with these 3 smartphone apps

    While they may not have thumbs to use the phone, pets can benefit from smartphone apps designed specifically for them.

    April 14, 2014 1 Photo

  • Millions of Android phones, tablets vulnerable to Heartbleed bug

    Millions of smartphones and tablets running Google's Android operating system have the Heartbleed software bug, in a sign of how broadly the flaw extends beyond the Web and into consumer devices.

    April 11, 2014

Twitter Updates
Facebook
Stocks