Mt. Vernon Register-News

Opinion

August 10, 2013

It's cryogenics time again

(Continued)

The second thing that bothers me is the freezing part. I drank a milkshake a little too fast a few years ago and it hurt like crazy. A brain freeze. So what if having your brain really frozen, really hurts? How are you going to tell anyone? Your mouth, along with the rest of your body, was burned to ashes and thrown into the ocean off of Maui or someplace.

So they wake you up 50 years later and you’re out of work, your wife is now married to Walt Disney and your head hurts like someone has worked you over with a nail gun. People will be telling jokes that you won’t get because you haven’t seen the holograms they’ve been watching, and you wonder who to vote for in our new 57-party political system. You’ll have to learn how to text (or whatever replaces it), something you haven’t even done in this life.

Then there’s the health issue. Have you ever taken a steak out of the freezer that’s been accidentally overlooked for, oh, six or seven years? Would you eat it? I would, but would a normal person like you eat it? Most likely you’re thinking, why take a chance? Well, what do you think your brain will look like after it’s been on ice for 50 or 100 years?

Maybe the cryogenic freezer lost power once every 15 years for a couple of hours. Maybe a little bit longer. You no longer qualify for a new body because you left a few IQ points on the freezer wrap. So they put what was left of your brain in some teenager’s cellphone, where you get to correct his spelling mistakes all day long because it’s the one job left where humans are better than machines.

Contact Jim Mullen at JimMullenBooks.com.

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