Mt. Vernon Register-News

Opinion

March 1, 2014

The heterosexual menace

Experts estimate the number of homosexuals in the population is somewhere between 2 percent and 10 percent. Since many people are reluctant to tell their sexual preferences, it is hard to make an accurate assessment. Whichever number is true, it would mean that:

Ninety percent of the people convicted of felonies in this country are heterosexuals.

Ninety percent of all theft is committed by heterosexuals.

Ninety percent of all wife-beating is done by heterosexual men.

Ninety percent of the ex-girlfriends murdered each year are killed by heterosexual men.

American public schools, with around 90 percent heterosexual teachers, are consistently rated among the worst in the industrialized world.

Ninety percent of our rising healthcare costs are due to the care of heterosexuals dying of lung cancer, liver failure and heart disease, most of which have been self-inflicted by smoking, drinking and overeating.

Over 90 percent of ugly clothing is bought by heterosexual men.

Over 90 percent of the problems on all soap operas are caused by heterosexual characters.

Over 90 percent of all annoying telemarketers are heterosexual.

The heterosexual agenda, which advocates that all American men spend every waking moment on a sofa watching sporting events while drinking tasteless American beer, is making our nation weak and about to collapse from within like ancient Rome.

Coincidentally, 90 percent of the population of ancient Rome was heterosexual.

If you have ever been bumped from an airline, a heterosexual person probably got your seat.

Over 90 percent of the screaming, ill-behaved children on that same plane have been raised by heterosexual parents.

Long lines in grocery stores consist overwhelmingly of heterosexuals.

More than 90 percent of Congress is heterosexual.

Almost 100 percent of out-of-wedlock teen pregnancies are caused by heterosexuals.

Nearly 100 percent of divorces are between heterosexuals.

Around 95 percent of all sexual harassment complaints are against heterosexuals.

Text Only
Opinion
  • Take a lesson from Texas I like to eat at blue-collar diners and cafes, particularly when I’m on vacation.It’s a chance to step beyond the homogenized national chains and experience a bit of local flavor.And being a reporter, I like to chat up local folks to find out a bit a

    July 23, 2014

  • The future reality of terrorist drones A very small airplane rose over the Gaza Strip last week. It entered Israeli airspace and sped toward the coastal city of Ashdod. Then a Patriot missile blew it up.The plane, a rudimentary drone launched by the terrorist group Hamas, posed little thr

    July 23, 2014

  • We are headed to a jobless future In an op-ed in The Wall Street Journal, former Treasury Secretary Lawrence Summers revived a debate I’d had with futurist Ray Kurzweil in 2012 about the jobless future.He echoed the words of Peter Diamandis, who says that we are moving from a history

    July 23, 2014

  • Pensions need to be addressed I will have to admit that I am slightly overwhelmed today with the receipt of articles and suggestions for a column. One of my Fitness Mafia colleagues constantly tells me the columns are too long and trying to address different subjects just dilutes

    July 22, 2014

  • VA still failing our vets Jymm’s preferred attire is a skin-tight Minnie Mouse T-shirt with bright pink windbreaker pants. Even when not sporting his choice outfit, he dons short shorts and shirts with holes in them, because that’s what he finds most comfortable. His Santa Mo

    July 22, 2014

  • Feed your home piggy bank with a 15-year mortgage This summer, we finally decided to take the plunge we’d been contemplating for a while: converting our 30-year mortgage to one with a 15-year payoff. It’s a big step. Our payments will go up somewhat (the PITI — principal, interest, tax, and insuranc

    July 19, 2014

  • Under the dumb There is a TV series about an entire town trapped under a giant, mysterious crystal-clear dome that appears out of the blue one day. The dome is impenetrable; no one can get in, no one can get out. Who made the dome? Aliens? God? A super-secret branc

    July 19, 2014

  • Widening the loopholes This week, two more U.S. companies moved to reestablish themselves overseas, allowing them to pursue lower corporate tax rates. They will join dozens of others who have chased lower tax bills abroad while maintaining operations in the United States,

    July 19, 2014

  • Patriotism not questioned Editor:I am responding to Mayor Mary Jane Chesley’s Reader’s View article in the Thursday, June 19, 2014, Register-News “Patriotism is strong.”The mayor has missed the point of my Reader’s View/opinion article in the local newspapers regarding Flag D

    July 19, 2014

  • Who's telling a story now? For this administration, failure is always the result of a “communications” problem. Otherwise, failure might be taken as evidence of misguided ideology and incompetent execution, right? It’s a weird excuse for the president who fancies himself to be

    July 18, 2014

Twitter Updates
Facebook
Stocks