Mt. Vernon Register-News

Opinion

March 1, 2014

The heterosexual menace

Experts estimate the number of homosexuals in the population is somewhere between 2 percent and 10 percent. Since many people are reluctant to tell their sexual preferences, it is hard to make an accurate assessment. Whichever number is true, it would mean that:

Ninety percent of the people convicted of felonies in this country are heterosexuals.

Ninety percent of all theft is committed by heterosexuals.

Ninety percent of all wife-beating is done by heterosexual men.

Ninety percent of the ex-girlfriends murdered each year are killed by heterosexual men.

American public schools, with around 90 percent heterosexual teachers, are consistently rated among the worst in the industrialized world.

Ninety percent of our rising healthcare costs are due to the care of heterosexuals dying of lung cancer, liver failure and heart disease, most of which have been self-inflicted by smoking, drinking and overeating.

Over 90 percent of ugly clothing is bought by heterosexual men.

Over 90 percent of the problems on all soap operas are caused by heterosexual characters.

Over 90 percent of all annoying telemarketers are heterosexual.

The heterosexual agenda, which advocates that all American men spend every waking moment on a sofa watching sporting events while drinking tasteless American beer, is making our nation weak and about to collapse from within like ancient Rome.

Coincidentally, 90 percent of the population of ancient Rome was heterosexual.

If you have ever been bumped from an airline, a heterosexual person probably got your seat.

Over 90 percent of the screaming, ill-behaved children on that same plane have been raised by heterosexual parents.

Long lines in grocery stores consist overwhelmingly of heterosexuals.

More than 90 percent of Congress is heterosexual.

Almost 100 percent of out-of-wedlock teen pregnancies are caused by heterosexuals.

Nearly 100 percent of divorces are between heterosexuals.

Around 95 percent of all sexual harassment complaints are against heterosexuals.

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