I want to sincerely apologize for the (pick one) racist, sexist, homophobic, xenophobic, ethnic, vulgar, prurient, misinformed, false and/or insulting remark in last week’s column. I was completely at fault, the buck stops with me and even though I was (pick one) heavily medicated, drunk, having a bipolar episode, stressed out, taking meth, addicted to painkillers, on steroids, butt-dialing, sexting, autocorrected, unintentionally plagiarizing, smoking crack, going through a painful divorce and/or hearing voices, there is simply no excuse for that kind of hurtful statement.
I blame no one but myself, even though several of my highly paid (pick one) Jewish, black, Arab, Native American, Asian, female, Polish and/or LGBT editors could have asked for a rewrite at any time, and none of them did. Not that they should be blamed for my mistakes and besides, now is not the time to play the blame game. There will be time enough for that in the months and years ahead, say, 10 or 20 years from now.
It was not my intention to cause pain or to insult any group, especially (pick one) voters, readers, members of Congress, congregants, lobbyists, the elderly, women, the LGBT community, liberals, conservatives, independents, libertarians, college students, parents, newlyweds and/or middle-aged white men. Who knew there were so many of you?
You can stop with the Twittering and Facebooking already — I’m sorry, I get it, I take it all back. Unlike some people, I take full responsibility for my (pick one) inappropriate, insensitive, thoughtless, cruel, uninformed, ignorant and/or demeaning comments, but that doesn’t mean I should be punished. After all, I’ve said I’m sorry; what more do you want? You want me to punish myself, too? You guys are so strict.
OK, to show how sincerely sorry I am, I plan to make a deposit in the “but he’s really a good guy who simply made one little mistake” bank. That’s right: I’m making a donation to the charity most beloved by those I have offended. How does $50 million sound? It sounds good, doesn’t it? Unfortunately, I don’t have $50 million. But I do have $50, and except for one little word, it sounds almost the same — and we all agreed it sounded good. After all, it’s the thought that counts.