Mt. Vernon Register-News

January 18, 2014

My sincerest, generic apologies


The Register-News

---- — Dear readers,

I want to sincerely apologize for the (pick one) racist, sexist, homophobic, xenophobic, ethnic, vulgar, prurient, misinformed, false and/or insulting remark in last week’s column. I was completely at fault, the buck stops with me and even though I was (pick one) heavily medicated, drunk, having a bipolar episode, stressed out, taking meth, addicted to painkillers, on steroids, butt-dialing, sexting, autocorrected, unintentionally plagiarizing, smoking crack, going through a painful divorce and/or hearing voices, there is simply no excuse for that kind of hurtful statement.

I blame no one but myself, even though several of my highly paid (pick one) Jewish, black, Arab, Native American, Asian, female, Polish and/or LGBT editors could have asked for a rewrite at any time, and none of them did. Not that they should be blamed for my mistakes and besides, now is not the time to play the blame game. There will be time enough for that in the months and years ahead, say, 10 or 20 years from now.

It was not my intention to cause pain or to insult any group, especially (pick one) voters, readers, members of Congress, congregants, lobbyists, the elderly, women, the LGBT community, liberals, conservatives, independents, libertarians, college students, parents, newlyweds and/or middle-aged white men. Who knew there were so many of you?

You can stop with the Twittering and Facebooking already — I’m sorry, I get it, I take it all back. Unlike some people, I take full responsibility for my (pick one) inappropriate, insensitive, thoughtless, cruel, uninformed, ignorant and/or demeaning comments, but that doesn’t mean I should be punished. After all, I’ve said I’m sorry; what more do you want? You want me to punish myself, too? You guys are so strict.

OK, to show how sincerely sorry I am, I plan to make a deposit in the “but he’s really a good guy who simply made one little mistake” bank. That’s right: I’m making a donation to the charity most beloved by those I have offended. How does $50 million sound? It sounds good, doesn’t it? Unfortunately, I don’t have $50 million. But I do have $50, and except for one little word, it sounds almost the same — and we all agreed it sounded good. After all, it’s the thought that counts.

While I have apologized via Twitter, Facebook, Instagram, Google+, Vine, LinkedIn, Tumblr and a few other social networks, I know that that will never make up for the hurt I have caused. I know because of all the swearing and name-calling in your posts about me. Most of your tweets were far ruder than what I’m apologizing for. I made a mistake, but that doesn’t make me an evil person like Miley Cyrus, does it?

Whoops! I’m getting bombed for calling Miley Cyrus evil. Did I say Miley Cyrus? I meant Dennis Rodman or Mayor Robert Ford. Whoa — now I’m hearing from Dennis Rodman and Robert Ford fans. Who knew they had fans? Those people should be apologizing for liking those guys.

Well, this is interesting. My first apology got 50,000 new “Likes” on Facebook. I’m thinking that if I said something offensive every day for a year, I could end up with a million followers in no time.

Whoops! It seems in my original apology I may have accidentally offended (pick one) voters, readers, members of Congress, congregants, lobbyists, the elderly, women, the LGBT community, liberals, conservatives, independents, libertarians, college students, parents, newlyweds and/or middle-aged white men, so let me say right here and now that no offense was meant. I was completely at fault, the buck stops with me and even though I was (pick one) heavily medicated, drunk, having a bipolar episode, stressed out, taking meth, addicted to painkillers, on steroids, butt-dialing, sexting, autocorrected, unintentionally plagiarizing, smoking crack, going through a painful divorce and/or hearing voices, there is simply no excuse for that kind of hurtful statement.

Repeat as necessary.

Contact Jim Mullen at JimMullenBooks.com.